PLANS n.

It's four sleeps until your birthday, your 18th. Sounds funny now that you're telling the world all about your age, after disclosing information about what you get up to.

Four sleeps until you can open the boxes that have been occupying space in your room for four months. Four sleeps until you can drink legally, work in a bar, do almost whatever you like. Four days until it becomes okay to be seeing them. Four days until half the things you do aren't illegal. You become an adult, a grown-up. Shit. You're going to have to make proper decisions and grow up a little bit. You always considered yourself a touch older than you are, which is why you do hlf the things you do. But now you wonder if you were right about that. Perhaps not? Time after tomorrow will go quickly, and your birthday will pass as fast as lightning flashes.

FLAME n.

He's been gone just over a week and you're starting to really miss him now. Not only that but you're toey too. You try to relax using the knowledge that time will go fast, and he'll be back before you know it.

You've got candles burning in your room - vanilla -, and it smells like his always does. It also reminds you of earlier this year, when you were sleeping on a mattress on the floor, with your cruiser lamp shedding a golden light from its little space in the corner. It's what you fell asleep to as they lay next to you, and the fan hummed.

Those were the days when you didn't really care about their feelings, or even whether you'd see them again. Of course, they already stood out as pretty incredible, but still, everyone has an ember of originality that you might like. Those were the days where you could walk around your house naked without fear of being caught. Not that you'd mind if someone saw you, more so that there was no one there to stop you. Those were the days when things weren't serious and you would try to impress him. Now you're scared to fail.

You like to read old messages.. old emails.. old conversations.. look at old pictures. It helps you trick yourself into thinking that they're still around. Well, still in the country. It's a bit difficult to see someone in no time, when they're that far away. So you recreate their presence. The sad part comes when you realise that you can't keep that up for long...

Falling v.

1) the loss of balance, resulting in the surrender to gravity, thus decending.

2) the worst thing you can do for a man.


You feel an awful lot better today. Last night you were in a bit of a funk, thinking that things are a little bit bad on the man front. But now, you've slept. Em was right, you should sleep before you think of anything else to get you down. It'll make you feel better, she said. Well, while she was sleeping, you were working on saving a situation. You were working your ass off to create some sort of illusion, which people would find themselves confused by. It worked. You had enough information that could make the decision go either way. You played a game of true or false. Only you know the answer. He guessed false. You just smiled because you won't say. Not until later, or even not ever.

The trick is not to let reality escape you. If you lose sight of it, when it comes back it hits you and it's too big a shock for you to handle. It makes things hard to see clearly again, because the emotional blow that reality brought with it has clouded your vision a little bit more.

Emotions make you think drastically, and accentuate every little wave into a monsoon. The next step is to try to fix the situation and go out of your way to correct it, and for the most part failing. Then you do something or say something that makes you feel ridiculous, and the cycle of feeling like shit continues. You're lucky though, you have the ability to crack the cycle when you've had enough of it.

"we make plans to kiss the sun at night,
hopeless dreamers, hopeless types
shedding skin you show your beauty scars
don't forget me or who you are..."

Ooops.

Your challenge is over. You met the lovely Austrian boy, whose wild look didn't put you off. You did just enough work, put in just enough effort, and you made it. But at the same time you now have a problem. You have two options, and you wonder which one will work out better. It's so annoying not to see the future, you hate surprises. Well, unless you know what the intent is.



So your favourite person in the world is now a few thousand miles away from you. That's alright, it's only for a month, and you know what? You'll be fine. You'll study, you'll do your exams, you'll turn 18, and then do some more exams, and then what do you know? They'll be back. It's still hard to believe though, that your person is that far away. You seem to forget that the world extends beyond this country, it extends beyond these shores, this little suburb, and the track you wear from your home to his.



He's right when he says that you've never left home. Never left this little suburb. And it's not a bad thing. Ten years is a lot of time, a lot of experience to catch up on. But you're not so far behind.



Last night you might have fucked it up. You drank too much, said too much, everything was too much. You weren't drunk, just enough to make you speak your mind. You keyboard warrior you. Now you're not sure where you're going, where you're at, what's happening. Do you stay up to 2am in the hope that previous patterns will be followed? Do you hope that your email will be replied to, that something will come of it? Something positive. You don't want to be stuck, don't want to be left without warning. To be completely honest, you're scared. You want to hang your head, drive over there and say you're sorry. Sorry for being stupid. Sorry for being an idiot. Sorry for repeating the same mistakes over again. .....

Tradition n.

Ahhh, people have put you in a box haven't they? That's alright though, you fit in that box, and there's even a little room to move if you want to spread out a bit. It's not that you're uncomfortable being in said box, more that people think that they've got you figured out. Maybe they have.

Sometimes things are a lot harder than you think, and it takes a while for you to figure out exactly what the issue is. Most of the time people just tell you straight up if they want something, or if something is wrong. They used to, anyway. Now not so much. They give you a little more rope and expect you to be the one to pull it when you want to see them again, or want to talk, or want something in general. You don't know how hard to pull, or when it's time to pull. You worry that you'll be wrong. You hold back so that nothing changes, because what is now, is potentially better than the outcome of any alteration.

You need to learn to read the signs better, you should know by now, after all this time. You've had 8 months to learn, longer! And it's not that you're not trying to get better at this, you just can't get past some of the mental bits. How can you change your attitude.

Maybe it'd be easier if things were clearer... if you knew what you were to them exactly. It might tell you how important you are, and how much attention should be paid, - amongst other things.

You should sleep, but you're awake now, as usual. Ugh. Finish this another time?