RELIEF

They are back, your exams are over, life, you would think, is a whole lot better now. Is it?



Granted, it's not bad, it's just not as good as it could be. There's a lot of fear, and confusion, and confessions floating around in your mind and in your midst. But that's okay, time and closer proximity will fix that for you. It'll make life a lot easier, and moderate your feelings maybe. Make you miss them less, love them less, want them less. Maybe, but you doubt.



It's an overwhelmingly good feeling to know that someone is safe. To be sure that they are where they should be, out of harm's way.



The sad part is that your newest friend could be so much more, but your heart is somewhere else. And that's not a bad thing, but the way you've been treating them is apparently too boyfriendly, so they're bound to get hurt. Truth hurts. Don't we know that...



Ah well, there's not a lot you can do to change where your heart is being pulled. You can resist the pull, or just let it take you where it will. I'm too tired of pulling.

It's the kind of time where your tears mean nothing because your head and your heart made their decision long ago. And yet you continue to bring it back, bring back the thing that torments you. It's so true - you can love more than one person at the same time. It sucks. And it happens sometimes. You're not a fan of gambling, but you have to take a chance on one road or the other. Maybe it'll pay off.

Open your arms and spread them wide,

Nothing's going to hold me back this time,

I've been waiting for you all my life,

Counting down the minutes til tonight...

PLANS n.

It's four sleeps until your birthday, your 18th. Sounds funny now that you're telling the world all about your age, after disclosing information about what you get up to.

Four sleeps until you can open the boxes that have been occupying space in your room for four months. Four sleeps until you can drink legally, work in a bar, do almost whatever you like. Four days until it becomes okay to be seeing them. Four days until half the things you do aren't illegal. You become an adult, a grown-up. Shit. You're going to have to make proper decisions and grow up a little bit. You always considered yourself a touch older than you are, which is why you do hlf the things you do. But now you wonder if you were right about that. Perhaps not? Time after tomorrow will go quickly, and your birthday will pass as fast as lightning flashes.

FLAME n.

He's been gone just over a week and you're starting to really miss him now. Not only that but you're toey too. You try to relax using the knowledge that time will go fast, and he'll be back before you know it.

You've got candles burning in your room - vanilla -, and it smells like his always does. It also reminds you of earlier this year, when you were sleeping on a mattress on the floor, with your cruiser lamp shedding a golden light from its little space in the corner. It's what you fell asleep to as they lay next to you, and the fan hummed.

Those were the days when you didn't really care about their feelings, or even whether you'd see them again. Of course, they already stood out as pretty incredible, but still, everyone has an ember of originality that you might like. Those were the days where you could walk around your house naked without fear of being caught. Not that you'd mind if someone saw you, more so that there was no one there to stop you. Those were the days when things weren't serious and you would try to impress him. Now you're scared to fail.

You like to read old messages.. old emails.. old conversations.. look at old pictures. It helps you trick yourself into thinking that they're still around. Well, still in the country. It's a bit difficult to see someone in no time, when they're that far away. So you recreate their presence. The sad part comes when you realise that you can't keep that up for long...

Falling v.

1) the loss of balance, resulting in the surrender to gravity, thus decending.

2) the worst thing you can do for a man.


You feel an awful lot better today. Last night you were in a bit of a funk, thinking that things are a little bit bad on the man front. But now, you've slept. Em was right, you should sleep before you think of anything else to get you down. It'll make you feel better, she said. Well, while she was sleeping, you were working on saving a situation. You were working your ass off to create some sort of illusion, which people would find themselves confused by. It worked. You had enough information that could make the decision go either way. You played a game of true or false. Only you know the answer. He guessed false. You just smiled because you won't say. Not until later, or even not ever.

The trick is not to let reality escape you. If you lose sight of it, when it comes back it hits you and it's too big a shock for you to handle. It makes things hard to see clearly again, because the emotional blow that reality brought with it has clouded your vision a little bit more.

Emotions make you think drastically, and accentuate every little wave into a monsoon. The next step is to try to fix the situation and go out of your way to correct it, and for the most part failing. Then you do something or say something that makes you feel ridiculous, and the cycle of feeling like shit continues. You're lucky though, you have the ability to crack the cycle when you've had enough of it.

"we make plans to kiss the sun at night,
hopeless dreamers, hopeless types
shedding skin you show your beauty scars
don't forget me or who you are..."

Ooops.

Your challenge is over. You met the lovely Austrian boy, whose wild look didn't put you off. You did just enough work, put in just enough effort, and you made it. But at the same time you now have a problem. You have two options, and you wonder which one will work out better. It's so annoying not to see the future, you hate surprises. Well, unless you know what the intent is.



So your favourite person in the world is now a few thousand miles away from you. That's alright, it's only for a month, and you know what? You'll be fine. You'll study, you'll do your exams, you'll turn 18, and then do some more exams, and then what do you know? They'll be back. It's still hard to believe though, that your person is that far away. You seem to forget that the world extends beyond this country, it extends beyond these shores, this little suburb, and the track you wear from your home to his.



He's right when he says that you've never left home. Never left this little suburb. And it's not a bad thing. Ten years is a lot of time, a lot of experience to catch up on. But you're not so far behind.



Last night you might have fucked it up. You drank too much, said too much, everything was too much. You weren't drunk, just enough to make you speak your mind. You keyboard warrior you. Now you're not sure where you're going, where you're at, what's happening. Do you stay up to 2am in the hope that previous patterns will be followed? Do you hope that your email will be replied to, that something will come of it? Something positive. You don't want to be stuck, don't want to be left without warning. To be completely honest, you're scared. You want to hang your head, drive over there and say you're sorry. Sorry for being stupid. Sorry for being an idiot. Sorry for repeating the same mistakes over again. .....

Tradition n.

Ahhh, people have put you in a box haven't they? That's alright though, you fit in that box, and there's even a little room to move if you want to spread out a bit. It's not that you're uncomfortable being in said box, more that people think that they've got you figured out. Maybe they have.

Sometimes things are a lot harder than you think, and it takes a while for you to figure out exactly what the issue is. Most of the time people just tell you straight up if they want something, or if something is wrong. They used to, anyway. Now not so much. They give you a little more rope and expect you to be the one to pull it when you want to see them again, or want to talk, or want something in general. You don't know how hard to pull, or when it's time to pull. You worry that you'll be wrong. You hold back so that nothing changes, because what is now, is potentially better than the outcome of any alteration.

You need to learn to read the signs better, you should know by now, after all this time. You've had 8 months to learn, longer! And it's not that you're not trying to get better at this, you just can't get past some of the mental bits. How can you change your attitude.

Maybe it'd be easier if things were clearer... if you knew what you were to them exactly. It might tell you how important you are, and how much attention should be paid, - amongst other things.

You should sleep, but you're awake now, as usual. Ugh. Finish this another time?

Commandeer. v.

"If it's not like the movies, that's how it should be, yeah. When he's the one I'll come undone and my world will stop spinning."

You think that a day or two's break between big things is a good idea. It lets a person recover from seeing you, lets them breathe and actually start to miss you. You hope it works, hope that they don't think you're ignoring them, - that's not the purpose of it at all.

"Heavy is the head that wears the crown, don't let the greatness get you down."

You're making some ground, finally. You're getting somewhere. What you want keeps coming closer and closer, but like a wild brumby, or a meek fox, it spooks, it runs, and you have to stalk it again. Patience is your best weapon, yet impatience is your ghost. So many things would be so much easier if you were older, if this was over.

And so, we wait...

ELABORATE a.

marked by complexity and richness of detail; "an elaborate lace pattern".

You're a good kid, aren't you?

Firstly, you lent a friend a hundred dollars because graduation money is due, and she forgot hers. It was a generous thing to do, but Dad's crappy with you. You think he was just trying to be the Dad around the place because people were over.

You helped two people get together last night as well, then you gave them something to do with their time after. Then in the morning you made them breakfast. How nice you are.

WAKING

n; the state of remaining awake

marked by full consciousness or alertness.

You went to bed at 2am because you're helping a friend get through their relationship stuff, nonetheless, you had a pretty interesting day at school.

So your friend gets her nose pierced while you're off doing whatever you were doing last night. She comes to school today and has to take it out, being that it's against school rules. When you see her in first period, it's red and she's upset, on the verge of crying. You and another friend try to help her, and take her to the bathroom, where she tries to put it back in but it's hurting her. She wants you to put it in because you've got a nose ring. Like that makes you an expert...

So you stick your finger up her nose and eventually get things where they should be. You both want to be sick. You need sugar or something, since the pit of your stomach is churning. Yuck. At least she's happy.

JUBILANT.

adjective: exultant: joyful and proud especially because of triumph or success.

You wouldn't call it success or a triumph, but you do feel pretty damn amazing. Once again. Tonight was something slightly new, a Christening of sorts, and a first or two as well. You were nervous in the lead-up perhaps because you hadn't seen this person in months, or perhaps because something else in the back of your head was saying 'be careful' - though, you think option A is more applicable.

Your leg shook, first from nerves, then from the cold, then from excitement. In about two hours, you managed to feel about fifteen different emotions. And it's left you with this one massively satisfied idiot-smile. If you were toothless, you'd look like a scrambled-brain hobo. Attractive image, isn't it?

You were driving well tonight. All smooth and coasty. Like the whole night in general. Everything worked out. You always go into these things with a gut feeling about the outcome. The internal decision maker that says yes or no without consulting your brain or heart. If your heart had had any say, it would've been yes regardless.

You know you love more than one person, and you could see yourself with the both of them, but the way love works - well, society works, it's completely irrational. It makes perfect sense, and yet it's not allowed. But that's fine. Things are what they are.

You spent a glorious day out in the sun today, working on your tan. It was the most perfect day, barely any breeze, not a cloud in sight, and some lovely Bio-oil to simultaneously help you tan and repair your skin. It seems a bit redundant, with one cancelling the other out, but it was fine. The pictures are average, however.

You told your other lover how happy you are, and you wonder what he's really thinking. Is he jealous or excited or what? Sometimes it feels like he holds back how he's feeling, despite knowing that his are the only feelings that have any weight with you. Funny how things are messed up when it comes to caring about someone else.

Now you're wondering where things are heading, and how long they'll last. He said that come November, things will be better, different. It's interesting how a date can make all the difference, how 17 and 11 months isn't enough, but 18 is. How strange. Either way, no matter how it turns out, you're eager to be free to go places, to be to live. Yay.

SHIMMER

Verb: a faint or veiled gleam or shining, a glimmer.


Sometimes the things you think are pretty and sparkly are sharp and bitter things, and often we don't see that these things have the ability to hurt us. We tend to let ourselves stray from our usual selves when the prospect of somthing nice and shiny appears. Funny that.

But the cotton candy is so sickly sweet, and we'll more often than not buy it. It's like predestination, fate, that we cannot turn away from the things we know make us terminally ill. And not ill in the sense that you'll die physically, rather, the sense that your whole world will experience an earthquake, should they choose to leave it. It's hardly fair, but as they say: life's not fair.

Nor does it have to be.

The good will usually outweigh the bad, where bad occasionally crops up. The good is fantastic, actually. The good is how you felt today (since you're adding to the post from yesterday). It's the pull of your hair, and the mark on your cheek, and the gasping of your throat as the love tries to fight it's way out, while you choke on the words that'll give you away. Bad is the worry that you've done something to annoy them, the fear that they might suddenly stop wanting you anymore. Your company, your love.

They virtually own you, but is ownership if you voluntarily give yourself to them? They say it'll be different soon, sometime. Be better. More time, more loving, more sun, more space. Maybe it will be, but there will be that question remaining - what are we? It seems futile, this benchmark to be reached before anything is official. You've seen though, how fast things go by, how fast 8 months have passed, and how it will continue to pass. It's nothing really, no time. But when they're gone, you'll know it like a bullet wound in your side. You'll clutch at the hole, hoping that it'll close, yet knowing that it won't heal until they're back again. You wish you could go with them.

PLACEBO n.

1) an innocuous or inert medication, given as a pacifier or to the control group in experiments on the efficacy of a drug
2) a very good band.

What do you do when you can't get what you want? When people are being stubborn, or noble, or protectionist? What do you do when you're close enough but you can't touch? You push every boundary known to man, and piss a whole bunch of people off in the process...


You never really realised how much people cared what you did, how much they let your presence affect them. You're surprised to hear that people become bitter because you're there, and angsty because someone gives you too much attention. Grow up. Perhaps they should stop looking at what other people are doing, and just focus on themselves. You mean, you don't really care if they're there or not, but I happen to be a dot on the map that everyone notices. You wonder what it's like when you're not there, whether you are talked about, or if people notice that they probably get more attention on those days. You wonder why they're so insecure...? It's incomprehensible, to me, anyhow. You wonder why it matters so much what you're doing, why it matters to unexpected people...

You wonder where things are going, as time flies by. Yes, it's flying. The week went past so fast that you barely know what you got done in that time. Also, you're going for your P's today, hopefully you get them first time round! You should, you did your 120 hours, fully, without bodging it at all. You win. :)

LUCKY a.

1. occurring by chance
2. having or bringing good fortune
3. pulling some magic out of one's sphincter

You're a little bit like this. You just got some exam results back, exams that you barely studied for and on the whole, did very well. If that's not magic out of a small hole, you're not sure what is.

What do you do, when the two choices in front of you are naturally delayed? You're an impulsive, feeling person, so when you decide there's something you want, your first instinct is to go after it. You're the type that'd chase a dream until you'd lapped it twice, convincing anyone on your path that it's right. You're rather persuasive, actually, and you suppose that it's because you seem like a perfectly rational person, intellectually, at least. Your actions aren't really level with the 'regular' person's standards of rational, but there you go. So you can get virtually anyone you choose into your life, but once you're there, the Tigress is gone, and the Cub remains. Not to say that the experience is not good, but it could be so much better. Take control, seize every opportunity - just don't strangle them.

You like being better than others, and sometimes you feel undeserving of the results you get, because they seemed to come effortlessly. That's a fact that your mother cleverly pointed out "pisses people off." You reckon they can deal with it.

You've been lucky, hence the Steph Effect, really. But at some point, luck runs out. Or does it? Just because you're used to getting what you want quite often, doesn't mean that you always will, but it does mean you've been doing something right. Is is skill, or perhaps manipulation that has got you this far? Or is it something you can't name, but have (TSE).

What do you do when you make someone break all their rules but still can't get the situation to change? Knowing something unspoken is not enough. Ideas are made reality through action. The same is true for emotion. That is why people write, speak, touch, and so on. Thought leads to expression. Expression leads to affirmation.

"How dare you say that your Truth is better than ours?"

STFEFFKT

MALICIOUS

v. Of, pertaining to, or as a result of malice or spite...

By anyone else's standards, you'd be a bad person. Now, what you've started cannot be undone. You want to keep going, but even if you didn't, you would still be in too deep to bother even trying to get out.

You did something today, that is irrevocable. It's like a tattoo without the option of lazer removal treatment. It was good, and you're glad that you finally took control, that you were able to literally seize the opportunity. It shaped the rest of your day :)

What do you do when someone likes the old you? - the 'you' that you rejected. The 'you' that you shed in order to become who you are now. What do you do when they can relate to the you back then, when they connect with the you back then. They didn't even know you, and you get the feeling that they, without knowing you, want you to go back, not all the way, but to some point in the middle of it all.

What do you do when you can't have who or what you want? You go somewhere else for the next best thing, you adapt, you move on. But what happens when you don't want second best, and you can't move on from the things you do want.

You wonder whether the others would give them up without a fight. Then you wonder, would you want to fight? Would it be worth the fight? You don't mean anything over the top philosophical, like love or anything, but plainly and simply. Being the 'other' - where does that leave you. Well, it depends on what you want, and whether being the 'other' gets you what you wanted.

What will you do when the time comes that you have so many options to choose from, but can only choose one? Will you choose one, or none? You can't always have everything, which is not unfair, but still annoying. You don't believe in self sacrifice for the benefit of others. You don't believe in changing to fit. At the same time, you don't ask or expect people to like what you do, that is entirely up to them, so you can't beat yourself up over the fact that they might not want to be around you if you don't change.

EMPIRICAL

Empirical: adj.
derived from or guided by experience or experiment.

I should probably explain where these random words come from, just so it makes sense. I flick through my Macquarie Little Dictionary and stop at a random page, and single out a random word. This is how I get the words, and no, there are no subliminal messages under them, in them, or outside them. It's random. The end.

Anyway, what's going on in your world right now?

I'm not usually one to complain, partially because I never usually have anything particularly important to complain about. The other part is that complaining doesn't really help much. I have, however two things to rant about right now.

Number one: I'm sitting on my bed, which is one of the comfiest places in the world, feeling about the same amount of crap as I was before, only now I have a headache to accompany the numerous other aches. I hate feeling so pathetic, especially since healing isn't something I can affect or hasten.

Number two: By the time I got through the first rant, I had almost forgotten about the subject of the second, which is the insanity of the whole knives at school thing. It's crazy, because we're turning into America, where they have metal detectors and random scanning on the way into school. I'm not used to the idea of living in fear of being attcked at school. My system doesn't register with that sort of fear or anxiety. Mass hysteria isn't really my scene. Our own knife incident was kept on the down low, but it's a lot closer to home than most of us think.

So, the point of this was kind of to say that a) I have spare time now that I'm crippled, and b) that I think weapons are stupid, but mass hysteria is equally so.

STFEFKT

POWER

POWER: n
1; the ability to do or act.
2. great or marked ability to do or act.

Every year you start a new blog. Every year things change and you change and this calls for a new start. Every year there comes a new resolution. Every year the likelihood of you keeping said resolution decreases. But that's not the point of this. The point is more like.. the Diary of Desire or something glamorous sounding like that. Really, at the end of the day, though, it is about The Steph Effect. So, by way of introduction, you should define and perhaps explain the SE.



The name "The Steph Effect" was a joint effort by you and a friend, after detailing the various reasons that support its very existence. So anyhow, what is it, exactly?



Basically, it is any event, moment, decision, etc that is to Steph's advantage. Anything good that happens to you, just because you're Steph, comes under the Steph Effect category. Powers of persuasion and seduction also come under this title.


You're not deliberately manipulative, though. You never go out of your way to make someone do anything for you, that defeats the purpose of The Steph Effect because, it's simply a matter of "Ask and thou shall receive." I guess I'm just courageous enough to ask for the things I want.

On the flip side, I'll chase after what I want, even if it's not something I should want to have. But there you go, life is stranger than fiction, and at least it'll make for good autobiography material...

STFEFKT